- Richie: [after hitting the ball] I ticked it, it hit the bat!
- Charlie Catcher: You're ssstill out.
- Richie: You're ssstill fat!
- Howie: For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER!
- [cries]
- Gus: Man! I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years.
- Clark: I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.
- Gus: Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time... thats like saying you've never had apple pie.
- Gus: You've never had apple pie?
- Clark: My mom said it would give me diarrhea.
- Gus: That's ridiculous, Clark! You have to try it at least once!
- Clark: Diarrhea?
- Gus: No! Baseball!
- Howie: Richie told me about the serial killers thats loose in in our neighborhood killing anyone named Howie! THAT'S MY NAME! That's my name!
- Brad: So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now?
- Richie: That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables, A-tha-lete? That's ama-za-zing.
- Brad: You think you're hot shit 'cos you know words.
- Clark: Hey Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us towards the register, or... Register... er...!...
- Gus: Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.
- Jerry: What was that?
- Gus: Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry.
- Jerry: Oh, really?
- Gus: [stands up from chair] Really.
- Jerry: Okay, Gus- Gus... Gus Bus! That's you, Gus Bus!
- Gus: Oh, that was a brutal comeback. Come on guys, let's go. I don't think I can ever get over that one. Whew!
- Gus: [upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?
- Wayne: Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.
- Carlos: Me tummy, es sicko.
- Umpire: Well you got proof he's a kid?
- Gus: Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.
- Wayne: Not according to birth certifico.
- [hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]
- Umpire: [looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!
- Mel: Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids
- [shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger]
- Gus: HAHA,Reggie that was you?
- Reggie Jackson: [angrily] What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.
- Gus: [frightened] Oh,uh,Yes.Like a young Denzel.
- Richie: [whispered to Clark] I didn't know Denzel played Erkel.
- Clark: Hold on I got a text from my mom... NO WAY we're having maccroni tonight that means garlic bread! Yes!
- Poker Guy #1: [speaking about Gus] That guy damaged more kids than anybody I knew. He made my life hell growing up.
- Karl: You're twice his size, you could crush that little puke!
- Poker Guy #1: He didn't do the physical warfare! He played the psychological card by attacking your weaknesses. I started losing my hair when I was nine years old. And he jumped all over it with the mean nicknames! Eight ball. Bowling ball. Kojak. Mr. Clean. Cream of Wheat guy. Scatman Crothers. The black Uncle Fester!
- Poker Guy #2 A.K.A. O'Malley: How about the black, bodybuilding Charlie Brown?
- Poker Guy #1: He used that too!
- [starts crying]
- Richie: [after pulling up to Mel's house] Wow,I always wondered who lived here, I just thought it was Clay Aiken or something.
- Marcus Ellwood: Do you still think I look like Yoda?
- Gus: No.
- Marcus Ellwood: But Yoda's my favorite! You're a bad, bad man!
- Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?
- Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.
- Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.
- Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.
- Nelson: His son just did that to me last week.
- [looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am]
- Clark: This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.
- Mel: It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.
- [Mel activates the car with his watch]
- K.I.T.T.: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.
- Richie: [to Mel] Who are you?
- Mel: Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... to make billions.